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Scare Your Fears Away
I got some good advice from a young friend the other day. I met
R. a few months ago, when his parents asked me if I could help
him with his fears. R. is six and he had been having scary times
at school and at home. We played lots of fun games--mostly
involving me pretending to be very scared of him. He would make
a noise and I would hide under pillows or grab his stuffed
animals for protection. This made him giggle like crazy.
Sometimes he would scare me again, being the powerful one
instead of the helpless one, and sometimes he would reassure me,
being the comforting one instead of the one needing comfort.
Another game we played was for me to say, "Oh please don't jump
off your bed, it's too dangerous, I can't watch!" Then he would
make me watch while he jumped. This game helped him develop
physical confidence and see for himself that he was quite brave.
After a few months of these kinds of games things got much
better for R. at school, though he still had fearful periods at
home for a while longer. When he was consistently feeling
confident and powerful at home and at school, I asked him if he
had any advice for other children who might be feeling fearful
and anxious. I have learned from a wonderful therapist, Michael
White, of Adelaide, Australia, that it's a great help for
children to shift from being victims of their symptoms to being
experts and consultants.
Well, R. wasn't interested in telling me what to suggest to
other children I might meet who had the same struggles as he
did. But when I told him that sometimes I had trouble falling
asleep because I was worried, he was full of ideas. At first he
gave me back the same ideas I had suggested for him, like taking
deep breaths or counting backwards. But then he told me that he
had some new ideas and I should write him a letter telling him
about my fears and he would write back. So of course I did, and
he dictated a letter to his mother to send to me. R. wrote, "I
have an idea for your Fear. DON'T LET YOUR FEAR BOSS YOU
AROUND!! I have another idea for not being scared. Say to your
fear, 'FEAR DON'T BOSS ME AROUND, GO TO SOMEBODY
ELSE
AND I DON'T EVEN LIKE YOU, YOU'RE NOT MY FRIEND,
AND
I'LL SCARE YOU FEAR FOREVER UNTIL YOU GO AWAY!' Larry, I have
something else to tell you too. Say all that real serious."
This was, as I said, great advice. It wasn't anything he and I
had talked about, but was a brand-new strategy that he developed
on his own. I never would have learned about it if I hadn't
asked for his help (instead of me being the "expert" and him
being the one who needed help.) When I next saw R. after getting
the letter, he demonstrated for me what he meant by "say that
real serious." He put his hands on his hips and spoke in a
strong voice--a voice I had never heard from him before--telling
Fear to leave us both alone. He had me practice that stance and
that voice until I got it right. And guess what, it works! I had
expected this letter-writing tactic to be therapeutic for him,
since we all learn best by teaching someone else. But I hadn't
expected it to be so helpful to me. We might not like to admit
it, but grown-ups often let our fears boss us around, not just
kids. I loved how R. discovered on his own that the way we stand
and the tone of voice we use and the way we confront our fears
makes a huge difference in whether we live our own lives or let
fear scare us into a corner.
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