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"Hi Dr. Cohen,
I have shared this story with a few people, but realized I never
shared it with you. Towards the end of your book, you have a
suggestion for dealing with whining by asking a child to speak
in a regular voice. I must say that it sounded entirely too easy
and thus like quite a ridiculous suggestion. But my 2 year old
daughter was just starting to get in a whining habit, so thought
I'd try it. I'm amazed and incredibly pleased to say that it
worked and is now a fun game! At first, when my daughter would
whine, I would say in a happy voice, 'Please talk to me in your
big girl voice. I love your big girl voice.' For a while she
would just stare at me, which at least stopped her from whining
and was much better than the reaction I got when I said, 'Stop
whining.' Then a few times when she was talking in a regular
voice I would say 'Hey! There's your big girl voice. I'm so glad
you found it. Thank you for talking in a big girl voice.' It
only took her 3 or 4 times of this to really 'get it'. Now it's
become a game. If she whines, I stop and act silly with a 'Hey?
Where did the big girl voice go? Is it lost? Let's find it!'
Sometimes she'll actually start searching around the room for
it. 'Is it under the couch? Is it in the high chair?' and so on.
But at least 80% of the time she will restate whatever she said
in a regular voice, followed by a resounding 'There it is!!!' I
am really amazed that it has worked, but it has. Now the only
time she continues to whine is if there is something really
wrong- like she's overly tired or hungry."
[My commentary on
this great story is that I think when children whine they are
feeling powerless. If we scold them for whining or refuse to
listen to them we increase their feelings of powerlessness. If
we give in so they will stop whining, we reward that
powerlessness. But if we relaxedly invite them to use a strong
voice, we increase their sense of confidence and competence. And
we find a bridge back to close connection.]
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